date: 24.8.2022

mood:

can't be put into words

ooooookay, remember when i said last time i am unable to be normal about my chemical romance. this ramble will be a great example of that. quick recap: mcr is on tour right now and last night (23.8.) they were playing in nashville. cool! what does the singer gerard way decide to wear to this show? a fucking cheerleader outfit. that they got fitted. this was planned.

when i woke up this morning (at 10.30, it’s my day off) my first thought was: “let’s see what happened at the mcr show last night! maybe they played a song they haven’t played before!” i was not prepared to see the best goddamn thing i have seen in my life. because it’s not just a person wearing a cool costume. it’s a person having the time of their life bouncing and skipping and twirling in a dress, being able to express themselfs authentically. smiling the whole way through.

like this is what this whole tour has been about i feel like for all of them. just getting to play and have fun together again. healing. proving that there is hope, that it does get better. from the ruins grows something beautiful but you only get to see it, if you live through the destruction. the pain.

i don’t want to make it seem like i’m making a huge deal out of someone wearing a dress. because anyone can wear whatever they want to and it doesn’t mean anything about their gender. but gerard has spoken publicly about their gender struggles. that’s why this mean much more than just a dress. it’s about walking up to the world and saying “this is who i am, this is what makes me happy, take it or leave it. i’m not changing for you anymore.” and fuck, is it something i need right now.

i have been really in the trenches of my gender this summer. more than before honestly, i have just really been thinking about who i am in terms of how the world sees me and how i want to be seen. how i see myself. and it’s hard. because now i feel certain in my identity as a trans person and at the same time that is freeing and fucking terrifying. because now i know that there is a way for me to live as myself and be happy. but that is also against the way the world is pushing me in. and as people pleaser, going against the world is very difficult. but i can’t go back. i didn’t come this far only to go this far, ya know? i have to do this, i have to live as myself. and seeing gerard do the same in such a public way is more meaningful than i have words for.

is that enough mcr brainrot for one day? who knows! maybe it’s too much, but i just wanted ramble a bit about this. still not sure what i’ll make of this part of my site yet, prolly like writing about my thoughts about personal stuff and more general topics. this just meant so much that i had to mark it somehow.

thnx for reading,
kanilia